Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
3 Inspiring Stories of Kindness Repaid in Full
Small acts of kindness can have life-changing consequences. In this heartwarming compilation, three people share how their simple, selfless gestures were repaid in extraordinary ways.
Kindness doesn’t always ask for recognition, but sometimes, it gets repaid in incredible ways. In this collection, we follow three individuals whose generosity sparked chain reactions that changed their lives forever.
These stories show how even the smallest act of kindness can lead to the most unexpected rewards.
An older woman smiling | Source: Midjourney
1. Single Dad Helps Older Woman Mow Her Lawn, Soon Gets a Call from Her Lawyer
My wife passed away seven years ago, but I still felt her absence in the house. I never thought I’d have to live without her. My only source of joy was my 15-year-old daughter, Alice. Her presence kept me going.
One afternoon, I looked out the window and saw my elderly neighbor, Mrs. White, struggling with her lawnmower.
Without a second thought, I went out to help.
A close-up shot of a lawnmower | Source: Pexels
Mrs. White was fiercely independent, but that day, she accepted my assistance.
“Felix, you’re always so kind,” she said, smiling at me. “You’ve never asked for anything in return.”
“It’s no trouble, Mrs. White,” I replied, brushing it off. “That’s what neighbors are for!”
Once I finished mowing her lawn, she approached me holding an ornate box.
“This is for you, dear Felix,” she said. “It’s a reward for your kindness.”
An older woman talking to a man | Source: Midjourney
“I can’t accept this, Mrs. White,” I politely refused. “You don’t need to thank me for anything.”
Instead, she handed me a bag of apples for Alice.
Back at home, I gave Alice the apples, and her eyes lit up with delight. But then, she pulled out the same ornate box Mrs. White had tried to give me.
“Daddy! Look what was in the bag!” Alice exclaimed, holding it up.
I knew we couldn’t keep it.
“This isn’t ours, Alice. We have to return it,” I said firmly.
A man in his house | Source: Midjourney
When I went back to Mrs. White’s house to return the box, something felt wrong. I knocked, but there was no answer.
I found her lying peacefully on the couch.
Already gone.
“Oh, no,” I gasped.
I left her house with the box in my hands, unsure of what to do.
***
Later that night, I looked up the box online. I found similar boxes that were worth over $250,000. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
A man using his laptop | Source: Pexels
At that point, I still felt it wasn’t right to keep the box.
Just as I was trying to figure out what to do, I got a call from Mrs. White’s lawyer, Jonathan. He asked me to meet him the next morning.
Upon entering his office, I saw Mrs. White’s son, Henry. He accused me of stealing the box.
“I didn’t steal it,” I insisted. “She gave it to me.”
But Henry didn’t believe me.
Instead, he offered me $1,000 to return it.
A man standing in a lawyer’s office | Source: Midjourney
Knowing its real value, I refused and told him he could bid for it at an auction.
But things spiraled out of control at the auction. I had to flee from the venue because I didn’t have proof of ownership.
That night, I went back to Mrs. White’s house, desperate to find anything that could prove she wanted me to have the box. But Henry caught me in the act.
A man standing in a house | Source: Midjourney
“You’ve made a big mistake,” he warned. “This is breaking and entering. It’s a criminal offense. But I’m willing to overlook this if you do exactly as I say.”
“You have until tomorrow,” he stated firmly. “Bring the box to me, or I’ll have no choice but to file a report with the police. They’ll be very interested to learn about your little nocturnal excursion.”
I returned home and thought about my next steps.
A man sitting on a couch, thinking | Source: Midjourney
I knew I couldn’t return the box, so I decided to send Alice to her grandmother’s house with the box for safekeeping.
“Dad, why can’t you come with me?” Alice asked before leaving.
“I might not be around for a while, sweetheart,” I said, trying to hold back my fear. “But I promise I’ll come back.”
After Alice left, I called Henry and told him I was ready to turn myself in. The police arrested me that night.
I spent months in prison, wondering if I had made the right choice.
A silhouette of a man | Source: Pexels
One day, a guard told me to pack up.
To my shock, Alice was there waiting for me. She had found documents in the box that proved Mrs. White had wanted me to inherit it.
Thanks to those papers, Alice had secured my release.
“Dad, we’re free,” she said. “The box was worth everything, but the most important thing is we still have each other.”
“Thank you, my love,” I said, hugging her. “I’m so lucky to have you in my life.”
That day, I realized how my kindness repaid me in an unimaginable way.
A man sitting in his house | Source: Midjourney
2. I Gave My Last Dollar to a Stranger and Saw Him Again at My Prom
Living with my mom and grandma was never easy, but we made the best of it. We didn’t have much, but we had love, and that was enough for me.
Still, I couldn’t help but feel excited about prom. Like most girls, I dreamed of wearing a beautiful dress and feeling like I belonged.
One morning, my mom, Dina, and grandma, Holly, surprised me with an envelope.
An envelope | Source: Pexels
“We’ve been saving up,” Mom said softly, sliding the envelope across the table.
Inside, there was just enough money to buy a dress.
“Thank you!” I hugged them. “I can’t believe you did this for me!”
I was super happy and couldn’t wait to buy the perfect dress.
On the bus ride to the dress shop, I clutched the envelope tightly, imagining the gown I’d choose. But my thoughts were interrupted when two workers started checking tickets.
That’s when I noticed a man at the back of the bus. He looked worried.
A man sitting in a bus | Source: Pexels
“I-I don’t have my ticket,” he stammered. “I forgot my wallet at home.”
The workers exchanged annoyed glances.
“No ticket means a fine,” one of them said sternly.
“You’ll have to pay up, or we’ll have to call the authorities.”
“Please, I’m begging you,” the man said. “I’m trying to get to my daughter. She’s sick, and I have to take her to the hospital. I… I forgot my wallet in my rush. Please, I just need to get to her. I can’t pay the fine.”
A worried man | Source: Midjourney
The bus workers didn’t seem convinced. One of them shook his head.
“We’ve heard every excuse in the book. If you can’t pay the fine, you’ll have to explain yourself to the police.”
My heart ached watching the desperation in the man’s eyes.
I hesitated, thinking about the dress, but something inside me told me this man needed my help more than I needed a gown.
Before I could second-guess myself, I stood up and said, “I’ll pay his fine.”
A girl standing in a bus | Source: Midjourney
The man, Rick, looked at me with wide eyes while I handed money to the bus workers.
“I… I can’t believe you did that,” he said with tears in his eyes. “You’ve saved me. Thank you!”
“It’s okay,” I smiled. “I hope your daughter gets better soon.”
Soon, I got home empty-handed and told my mother what had happened. She was furious.
“You gave away the money?” she asked, shocked. “How could you be so naive, Carly? That man could have been lying to you! What if he tricked you?”
A woman talking to her daughter | Source: Midjourney
Tears filled my eyes. I hadn’t thought about that.
That’s when my grandma wrapped me in a hug.
“You did the right thing,” she whispered. “Kindness always comes back.”
A few days later, I attended prom night wearing an old dress. I felt so out of place as other girls twirled in their beautiful, shiny gowns.
I almost regretted coming until I felt a tap on my shoulder.
I turned and saw Rick standing there, smiling. Beside him was his daughter, healthy and full of life.
An older man smiling | Source: Midjourney
“This is my daughter, Haley,” he said.
Then, she handed me a gift-wrapped box.
“Please open it,” Rick insisted.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I unwrapped it. Rick had bought me the most beautiful dress I had ever seen.
“I don’t know what to say…” I said.
Rick smiled. “You’ve already said enough by helping me when no one else would. Now, it’s time for you to enjoy your night.”
I quickly changed into the dress and walked into prom feeling like a princess.
A back view shot of a woman in a dress | Source: Midjourney
That night, I realized that kindness really does come back when you least expect it.
3. I Paid for a Stranger’s Groceries, and It Led to My Grandma’s $230k Treatment
I was at the grocery store, just getting a few things for my grandma, when I noticed the woman in front of me at the checkout was struggling.
She realized she’d left her wallet in her friend’s car and was about to walk away empty-handed.
“Ma’am, I’ll cover it,” I said without thinking.
A boy at a grocery store | Source: Midjourney
“Oh, no. I couldn’t put you out like that,” she said after looking at me from head to toe. I think she was shocked to see a 12-year-old offering to help her.
“I insist, ma’am. Sometimes, we have to do good things, and karma will reward us later, right? That’s what my grandmother says all the time,” I said.
She hesitated, but I insisted.
I wasn’t rich, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
“Thank you so much,” she said. “I’m Mary. And you?”
A woman in a supermarket | Source: Midjourney
“I’m Mark,” I replied.
“Thank you for what you did, Mark,” she smiled. “Listen, how about you give me your phone number so I can pay you back as soon as I get my wallet?”
I wrote down my number on the receipt and handed it to her. “Here, but don’t worry about it. There’s no rush. I live nearby anyway.”
“Alright, Mark,” she smiled and thanked me once again before leaving.
A woman talking to a boy | Source: Midjourney
I felt good, but honestly, I didn’t think much about it after that. My focus was on my grandma, who was in the hospital and needed a major surgery that we couldn’t afford.
I had started a GoFundMe, but it wasn’t going well.
A few days later, I heard a knock on my door. Mary came with her daughter, Anastacia, to return my money.
“Thank you once again, Mark,” Mary said. “How’s your grandma doing?”
A woman asking a boy about his grandmother | Source: Midjourney
That’s when I explained our situation. They were shocked that I was raising money for her surgery on my own.
Then, they did something incredible. They offered to help.
Anastacia shared our GoFundMe link with everyone she knew. She even posted the story on Reddit, telling people how I had helped her mom.
At first, I didn’t think it would work, but the story started getting attention.
A boy using a phone | Source: Pexels
Soon, more people donated, and the story went viral.
And before I knew it, donations were pouring in. We reached the $230,000 needed for my grandma’s surgery. I was in shock.
I had only spent $20 to help Mary, and somehow, it had led to saving my grandma’s life.
Thanks to Mary and Anastacia, my grandma is getting the treatment she needs, and I’ll never forget how one act of kindness brought everything full circle.
A boy smiling | Source: Midjourney
If you enjoyed reading these stories, here’s another one you might like: When Phoebe decides that her new chapter begins with a divorce and a new house, she finds a little house in a sleepy neighborhood. As she gets unpacking, she meets a wonderful neighbor, who has a big responsibility for Phoebe.
This work is inspired by real events and people, but it has been fictionalized for creative purposes. Names, characters, and details have been changed to protect privacy and enhance the narrative. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.
The author and publisher make no claims to the accuracy of events or the portrayal of characters and are not liable for any misinterpretation. This story is provided “as is,” and any opinions expressed are those of the characters and do not reflect the views of the author or publisher.
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