Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good man to you in our 7 years of marriage & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been tough for me. Your boss notified me that you quit your job today & that was just too much to bear any longer.
Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, It’s over and I am leaving.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Believe me, nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s definitely true that you & I have been married for the past 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my TV shows so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping, although that doesn’t seem to work.
I definitely noticed your haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ And since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I decided not to comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 long years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could make this work. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem!
Please share this story with your friends and family if you think it was funny.
The Art of Selecting the Perfect Watermelon: A Guide to Sweetness and Ripeness…
The quest for the perfect watermelon is a summer tradition, synonymous with the pursuit of the sweetest, juiciest fruit to grace picnics and gatherings. This guide distills the essence of selecting a watermelon that promises to be both ripe and sweet, ensuring your summer days are filled with the refreshing taste of this beloved fruit.
Understanding Watermelon Ripeness
The journey to finding the perfect watermelon begins with an examination of the stem. A brown stem signifies a watermelon that ripened naturally on the vine, absorbing the sun’s warmth and the soil’s nutrients until it reached peak maturity. In contrast, a green stem indicates a premature pick, where the fruit was plucked before its time, leaving its potential sweetness untapped.
The Significance of the Yellow Spot
A key indicator of a watermelon’s ripeness is the presence of a yellow spot. This spot, often found on the belly of the fruit, tells a story of the watermelon’s time basking in the sun. A pronounced yellow spot is a testament to the watermelon’s adequate sun exposure, contributing to its ripeness. A faint white spot, or the absence of one, suggests a lack of sunbathing, leading to a less ripe fruit.
Assessing Firmness and Sound
The texture and sound of a watermelon provide critical clues to its internal state. Gently pressing on the watermelon should reveal a slight give, indicating ripeness. A watermelon that feels too hard and unyielding suggests it is underripe. Moreover, the sound a watermelon makes when tapped can reveal its water content—a hollow sound signifies a fruit bursting with water, while a dull sound may indicate a lack of juiciness.
Putting Theory into Practice
With these insights, the pursuit of the perfect watermelon becomes an informed search for specific traits: a brown stem, a prominent yellow spot, a slight give upon pressing, and a hollow sound when tapped. These indicators, when present together, promise a watermelon that is not only ripe but also abundantly sweet and juicy.
Upon bringing your selected watermelon home, the moment of truth arrives as you cut into the fruit. A ripe watermelon will reveal a deep red flesh, an indicator of its concentrated sweetness. The texture will be crisp, yet tender, filled with succulent juices that confirm its ripe status. The taste test is the final verification, where the sweetness of the watermelon fulfills the promise of a meticulously selected fruit.
Enjoying the Fruits of Your Labor
Selecting the perfect watermelon is an art form that combines observation, touch, and sound. The reward for this careful selection process is a watermelon that enhances summer meals and gatherings with its optimal sweetness and hydration. Whether enjoyed in slices, cubes, or as part of a refreshing salad, the perfect watermelon stands as a testament to the joy of summer eating.
The journey to finding the perfect watermelon is marked by attention to detail and an appreciation for the subtle cues nature provides. By following these guidelines, you can elevate your watermelon selection process, ensuring that each fruit you bring home meets the criteria for ripeness and sweetness. Embrace the challenge, and let the quest for the perfect watermelon become a cherished summer ritual.
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