Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
I Found Diapers in My 15-Year-Old Son’s Backpack and Decided to Follow Him After School
Finding diapers in my teenage son’s backpack left me speechless. When I followed him after school, what I discovered sent a shiver down my spine. It also forced me to face a truth about myself I’d been avoiding for years.
My alarm went off at 5:30 a.m., the same as every weekday for the past decade. I was showered, dressed, and answering emails before the sun came up.
By 7:00 a.m., I was in the kitchen, making coffee while scrolling through the day’s meetings.
“Morning, Mom,” Liam mumbled, shuffling into the kitchen in his school sweatshirt.
A boy standing in a kitchen | Source: Midjourney
“Morning, honey,” I said, sliding a plate of toast toward him. “Don’t forget you have that history test today.”
He nodded while his eyes were glued to his phone.
That was our routine.
Brief morning conversations, quick goodbyes, and then I’d go to run MBK Construction. It was the company my father had built from nothing.
When he died three years ago, I promised myself I’d make him proud. I decided the company would thrive under my leadership, no matter what it took.
A woman working on her laptop | Source: Pexels
To be honest, what it took was my marriage.
Tom couldn’t handle being married to someone who worked fourteen-hour days.
“You’re married to that company, not me,” he’d said the night he left.
Maybe he was right. But if he really loved me, he would have accepted that drive as part of who I am.
Instead, he found someone who put him first. Good for him. I had a legacy to protect.
A man walking away | Source: Midjourney
And I also had Liam. My brilliant, kind-hearted son who somehow survived the divorce without becoming bitter.
At 15, he was already taller than me, with his father’s easy smile and my determination. Watching him grow into a young man made all the sacrifices worth it.
Lately, though, something had been off. He’d been quieter and more distracted. At dinner last week, I caught him staring at nothing.
“Earth to Liam,” I said, waving my hand in front of his face. “Where’d you go?”
He blinked, shaking his head. “Sorry. Just thinking about stuff.”
“What kind of stuff? School? A girl?”
“It’s nothing, Mom. Just tired.”
A boy sitting for dinner | Source: Midjourney
I let it go. Teenagers need space, right? That’s what all the parenting books say.
But then I started noticing other things.
He was always on his phone, texting someone—then quickly hiding the screen when I walked by. He started asking to walk to school instead of letting me drive him.
And then he started keeping his bedroom door closed. All the time.
I figured it was just normal teenage privacy. Until Rebecca called.
A phone on a desk | Source: Pexels
“Kate? This is Rebecca, Liam’s English teacher.”
“Is everything okay?” I asked, cradling the phone between my ear and shoulder as I signed a contract.
“I’m concerned about Liam. His grades have dropped significantly over the past month. He’s missed two quizzes, and yesterday he wasn’t in class at all, even though the attendance office marked him present for the day.”
My pen froze. “What?”
“I just wanted to check if everything is alright at home. This isn’t like Liam at all.”
A woman talking to her student’s mother on the phone | Source: Midjourney
“He’s… he’s been going to school every day. Nothing’s wrong at home, and he hasn’t mentioned anything bothering him lately.”
“Well, he’s definitely not making it to my class. And from what I’ve heard from his other teachers, I’m not the only one noticing his absences.”
After hanging up, I sat frozen at my desk.
My perfect son was skipping school? Why? Because of a girl? Some kind of trouble?
That night, I tried to casually bring it up.
A window at night | Source: Pexels
“How was school today?” I asked over dinner.
“Fine,” he said, pushing pasta around his plate.
“Classes going okay? English still your favorite?”
He shrugged. “It’s alright.”
“Liam,” I said, putting down my fork. “Is there something you want to talk about? Anything at all?”
For a moment, I thought he might open up. His eyes met mine, and it looked like he was considering it. But then the wall came back up.
“I’m good, Mom. Really. Just tired from practice.”
I nodded and let it drop. But I knew one thing for certain.
I needed to find out what my son was hiding.
A boy looking down at the dinner table | Source: Midjourney
The next day, I went into his room while he was playing video games in the living room.
I’d never invaded his privacy before, but these weren’t normal circumstances. If he was in trouble, I needed to know.
His room was surprisingly neat for a teenage boy—bed made, clothes put away, everything carefully organized.
Then, my gaze landed on his backpack, sitting on his desk chair.
A backpack on a chair | Source: Midjourney
That’s where I’m going to find all the answers, I thought. I picked it up and quickly unzipped it.
Textbooks. Notebooks. Calculator. Nothing unusual.
Then, I unzipped a small side pocket and reached inside. What I pulled out made no sense at all.
A plastic package.
Diapers.
Not just any diapers—newborn diapers.
My hands started shaking. Why would my 15-year-old son have baby diapers?Was he hanging out with someone who had a baby? Or… God forbid… was he a father himself?
A woman’s eye | Source: Midjourney
I sat on his bed, trying to make sense of the package, but nothing added up.
Liam was responsible and cautious, and he’d never even mentioned having a girlfriend. But these diapers didn’t just appear in his backpack by magic.
I returned everything exactly as I’d found it and walked back to the living room.
Liam sat on the couch, playing video games, completely at ease. He laughed when his character died, casually killing zombies like nothing was wrong.
How could he sit there so casually while keeping such a massive secret?
A person holding a controller | Source: Pexels
After he went to bed, I made up my mind. Tomorrow, I wouldn’t go to work. Tomorrow, I would follow my son.
Morning came, and I stuck to our normal routine, pretending everything was fine.
“Have a good day, honey,” I called as he headed out the door.
“You too, Mom.”
I waited until he was halfway down the block before grabbing my keys and sunglasses. I followed at a distance in my car, feeling ridiculous.
But then Liam did something that proved my suspicions weren’t overblown. Instead of turning left toward school, he went right.
Away from school.
Away from our neighborhood.
A boy with a backback walking on a street | Source: Midjourney
I followed him for twenty minutes as he walked confidently through increasingly unfamiliar streets.
The neat houses and manicured lawns of our neighborhood gave way to older, smaller homes with peeling paint and chain-link fences. This area was the opposite of the exclusive community where we lived.
Finally, Liam stopped in front of a small, weathered bungalow. My heart pounded as I parked across the street and watched him walk up to the front door.
He didn’t knock. Instead, he pulled out a key.
A boy standing outside a house | Source: Midjourney
I watched him unlock the door and step inside like he belonged there.
My son had a key to someone else’s house.
With my heart pounding against my chest, I got out of my car and walked up to the front door. I took a deep breath and knocked, unaware of how everything would change in just a few minutes.
The door opened, and there stood Liam, his eyes wide with shock. But what left me speechless wasn’t my son’s expression.
It was the tiny baby he was cradling in his arms.
A boy holding a baby | Source: Midjourney
“Mom?” His voice cracked. “What are you doing here?”
Before I could answer, a familiar figure appeared behind him. An older man with stooped shoulders and salt-and-pepper hair.
I immediately recognized him. It was Peter, our former office cleaner. The man I fired three months ago for chronic tardiness.
“Ma’am,” he said quietly. “Please, come in.”
An older man standing in his house | Source: Midjourney
I stepped inside, my mind struggling to connect the dots. The small living room was modestly furnished with baby supplies scattered everywhere.
“Liam,” I said. “What’s going on? Why are you here with… with a baby?”
My son looked down at the infant in his arms, then back at me. “This is Noah. He’s Peter’s grandson.”
Peter gestured to a worn couch. “Please, sit. I’ll explain everything.”
As I sat down, still stunned, Liam gently bounced the baby, who couldn’t have been more than a few months old.
“Remember how I used to hang out with Peter when Dad would drop me off at your office after school?” Liam began. “He taught me how to play chess.”
A man playing chess | Source: Pexels
I nodded slowly. Peter had worked for MBK Construction for nearly a decade. He’d always been kind to Liam.
“When I heard you fired him, I wanted to check on him,” Liam continued. “So, I found his address and came by after school one day.”
“And I welcomed the visit,” Peter said. “But I wasn’t alone.”
“Where did the baby come from?” I asked, still trying to process everything.
A baby | Source: Pexels
Peter’s eyes filled with sadness. “My daughter, Lisa. She… she’s had a rough life.” He hesitated, then sighed. “About a month ago, she showed up with Noah. Said she couldn’t handle it. By morning, she was gone. Left the baby and never came back.”
“Why didn’t you call social services?” I asked.
“They’d take him away,” Peter said simply. “Put him in the system. Lisa will come back when she’s ready. She always does.”
A man standing in his house | Source: Midjourney
“But in the meantime, Peter needed help,” Liam added. “He was trying to find a new job, going to interviews, but couldn’t bring a baby. So, I started coming over during my free periods to watch Noah.”
I looked at my son in disbelief. “You’ve been skipping school to babysit?”
“Only my study hall and lunch,” Liam said quickly. “But then Noah got colic, and Peter was so exhausted. So, I… uhhh… I started missing a few classes. I know it was wrong, Mom, but what was I supposed to do? They needed help.”
A boy talking to his mother | Source: Midjourney
That’s when I realized something that sent a shiver down my spine.
While I’d been consumed with board meetings and profit margins, my 15-year-old son had been shouldering an adult responsibility that even I hadn’t noticed.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.
Liam and Peter exchanged glances.
“You fired him for being late,” Liam said quietly. “You didn’t even ask why.”
That was true. I couldn’t deny it.
I never asked Peter why he’d been showing up late at work. I didn’t care if he was facing problems at home.
I’d been too busy. Too focused on the company.
A woman finalizing a business deal | Source: Pexels
That’s when I really saw Peter for the first time.
The man was exhausted and had dark circles under his eyes. Had he always looked this tired when he worked for me? How had I never noticed? Had I been so caught up in my own life that I never even thought to ask if he was okay?
“I’m sorry,” I said to Peter. “I had no idea what you were going through.”
“It’s not your fault,” he replied. “I should have explained.”
“No,” I shook my head. “I should have asked.”
A woman with her eyes closed in worry | Source: Midjourney
I watched as Liam gently rocked the baby, who had fallen asleep against his shoulder. My son had shown more compassion than I had in years.
Standing up, I made a decision. “Peter, I want you to come back to work at MBK Construction.”
His eyes widened. “Ma’am, I—”
“With flexible hours,” I continued. “And we’ll set up a proper childcare situation for Noah. Maybe even an on-site daycare for employees. It’s something we should have done years ago.”
“You’d do that?” Peter asked.
A man talking to a woman | Source: Midjourney
“It’s the least I can do,” I said.
Then, I turned to my son. “Liam, I’m sorry I haven’t been more present. That’s going to change, I promise.”
“Thanks, Mom,” he smiled.
That night, after we’d made arrangements for Peter and Noah, Liam and I sat at our kitchen table with pizza and honesty between us.
“I’m proud of you,” I told him. “But no more skipping school, okay? We’ll figure this out together.”
He nodded. “Deal.”
A boy smiling | Source: Midjourney
As I watched him head upstairs to bed, I realized that in trying to preserve my father’s legacy, I’d almost missed the most important legacy of all: my son.
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