The velvet box felt heavy in my hand, the crimson lining a stark contrast to the dull silver ring nestled within. I opened it slowly, my heart pounding with anticipation. He had been so secretive, so excited, that I’d imagined a dazzling diamond, a symbol of his love and commitment.
Instead, I stared at a simple silver band, intricately engraved with Celtic knots. It was undeniably beautiful, a piece of family history, no doubt. But where was the diamond? The sparkle? The symbol of a lifetime of promises?
“It’s… it’s beautiful,” I stammered, trying to mask the disappointment in my voice.
He beamed. “I know, right? It’s my grandmother’s ring. It has so much significance.”
He launched into a heartfelt speech about his grandmother, a woman I had never met, and the enduring legacy of this ring. He spoke of family history, of love passed down through generations. But all I could think about was the glaring absence of a diamond.
Had he even looked at it? Did he not see the way my eyes glazed over, the way my smile felt forced? Did he truly believe this heirloom, this symbol of his family’s past, could compensate for the lack of a present, tangible symbol of his love for me?
Later that evening, as I lay awake, the ring, cold and lifeless on my finger, felt like a heavy weight. I pictured the other women I knew, their hands adorned with sparkling diamonds, their faces radiant with joy. I imagined the envious glances, the whispered questions. “Where’s the diamond?” they would ask.
And then, the thought hit me: I deserved better. I deserved to feel cherished, to feel special. I deserved a ring that reflected the love he professed to have for me, a ring that made me feel like the most precious woman in the world.
A week. That’s all I would give him. One week to rectify this situation, to show me that he understood, that he valued my feelings. If he failed to do so, if he continued to dismiss my concerns, then this relationship was over.
The next morning, I woke up with a renewed sense of determination. I would not settle for less than I deserved. I would not allow him to diminish my worth.
The week that followed was a whirlwind of emotions. I tried to be understanding, to approach the subject with tact and diplomacy. I brought up the topic of engagement rings casually, mentioning articles I had read about modern trends, about the significance of diamonds in contemporary society.
He seemed oblivious. He talked about his grandmother, about family traditions, about the “sentimental value” of the ring. He even tried to convince me that diamonds were overrated, that true love was about more than material possessions.
But his words fell on deaf ears. My resolve hardened with each passing day. I knew what I wanted, and I wasn’t going to compromise.
Finally, on the seventh day, I sat him down for a serious conversation. “Look,” I said, my voice firm but gentle, “I appreciate the sentimental value of the ring, truly. But I also want to feel cherished, to feel like I’m truly valued. And honestly, I don’t feel that way.”
He looked at me, his face a mixture of surprise and hurt. “I don’t understand,” he said, his voice slightly defensive. “I gave you my grandmother’s ring. What more could you want?”
“I want to feel special,” I repeated, my voice unwavering. “I want to feel like you put as much thought into choosing my ring as you did into choosing me.”
He stared at me for a long moment, then looked down at his hands. “I… I don’t know what to say,” he finally admitted, his voice subdued.
“Then let me tell you,” I said, my voice steady. “I deserve a ring that reflects the depth of your love for me. A ring that makes me feel like the most beautiful, cherished woman in the world. If you can’t give me that, then maybe we’re not meant to be.”
The silence that followed was deafening. He looked at me, his eyes filled with a mixture of hurt and confusion. Finally, he nodded slowly. “I understand.”
And with that, the engagement was over. It wasn’t the ending I had envisioned, but it was the ending I deserved. I walked away, my head held high, knowing that I had made the right decision. I deserved to be loved, truly loved, for who I was. And I deserved a ring that reflected that love, a ring that sparkled as brightly as the future I envisioned for myself.
Matt Heath: My parting message: Enjoy things while they are around
A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
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