Fearing for their children’s futures, parents search for universal parenting techniques that will put their kids on the route to a prosperous job and a happy life. But times are changing, and the old principles of success are no longer relevant. Sometimes, parents’ actions, intended to be helpful, can actually create challenges for their children’s future.
1. Not allowing their kid to fail
Perfectionist parent often strives for perfection themselves, leading them to expect increasing levels of perfection from their child as they grow older — from the child’s artwork never being good enough to their bed not being made perfectly or not studying hard enough. The child faces constant criticism and reprimands but is never allowed to learn from their mistakes. Children of perfectionist parents may grow up to be perfectionists themselves or develop low self-esteem and lack confidence. Both outcomes can negatively impact their future careers.
- Anna’s mother always compared her to Mary, saying, “Look how tidy Mary is compared to you, Anna!” Despite Anna’s efforts to emulate Mary, she never measured up, and her mother’s criticism only intensified. Anna’s mother never allowed her the chance to improve her habits and learn basic skills. Now at 25 years old, Anna still compares herself to others and always comes up short in her own eyes. Needless to say, this constant comparison has taken a toll on her self-esteem.
2. Paying a child for good grades
This topic remains a subject of debate, but consider this perspective: imagine yourself as a contractor continually paying more for a product or service, with the child as the supplier providing it in exchange for money or rewards. It doesn’t sound like a good idea, does it?
- Alexandra’s parents sought to motivate their daughter to excel in her studies by offering money as an incentive. Initially, Alexandra’s grades improved, suggesting the approach was effective. However, her parents later discovered that she had been fabricating stories about an imaginary illness and sharing them with her teachers. She even falsely claimed that her parents constantly criticized her for poor grades. The sympathetic teacher then raised Alexandra’s grades out of pity. Following this incident, Alexandra’s parents discontinued the practice of paying for grades and sought guidance from a child psychologist.
3. Preventing their child from expressing their feelings
Sometimes, adults dismiss a child’s feelings as wrong — insisting that bruises don’t hurt, feeling anger toward a child who hit them is shameful, or being sad even with a valid reason is incorrect. Parents often do this with good intentions, wanting to teach their children proper behavior. However, it’s crucial to recognize that a fundamental skill for modern individuals is the ability to acknowledge and manage their feelings, emotions, and needs.
- Kate, now 37, vividly remembers how her mother forced her to give away her beloved doll to another girl, admonishing her for being “greedy” and scolding her for getting upset over a “stupid toy.” Kate never got her doll back. Over the years, she has worked hard to assert herself, learning to say “no” to demanding people, including her boss and coworkers. Despite this, Kate often feels guilty whenever she refuses to comply with their requests.
4. Failing to support their child in front of strangers
Every child needs the assurance that their parents will stand up for them in any conflict, regardless of the situation, and won’t blindly trust the words of authority figures like teachers, principals, or neighbors. When parents allow their children to speak up for themselves when they are ready to take responsibility for their actions, it helps them develop healthy self-esteem and a sense of personal accountability.
- Maggy was raised by her grandmother, who often said, “But what will other people think?” Although her grandmother loved Maggy and wanted the best for her, she constantly emphasized the importance of public opinion. As a result, Maggy struggles to make her own decisions and even relies on her friends’ opinions when choosing something as simple as dessert.
5. Drawing inspiration and comparing to successful people
Each generation has its own set of heroes whom young people aspire to emulate. In recent decades, the tales of personal success from wealthy and influential individuals have become widespread. However, it’s not as simple as learning their life story and achieving happiness. If it were that easy, everyone who reads their books would have solved all their financial problems by now.
- Alex developed a passion for computers from a young age. Inspired by the story of Steve Jobs that his dad shared with him, Alex immersed himself in learning everything about Apple. When it came time to choose a university, Alex initially believed he didn’t need higher education because Steve Jobs succeeded without it. Eventually, Alex realized the importance of education for his path and pursued college to advance his career. Now, Alex jokes, “What worked for Steve Jobs is just a waste of time for an ordinary guy like me.”
6. Pressuring their child to decide on their future career
The notion that a person should stick to one career for their entire life is likely outdated and impractical. Many modern occupations didn’t exist a decade ago, while others have already become obsolete.
- Since childhood, Max had a passion for exploring computers and understanding various software programs. Despite his parents’ concerns, he pursued this interest and eventually discovered online courses in software testing. Now, he is thriving in this field, leveraging his potential and skills.
- Laura, at 37, worked as a sociologist for a major consulting firm but found it challenging to maintain her career after having her son. During maternity leave, she rediscovered her love for photography. Starting with unique photos of her child, Laura progressed to offering photoshoots for friends’ and acquaintances’ kids. Over time, she opened her photo studio. Laura now earns as much as her husband and successfully manages her professional life while caring for her family. This shift exemplifies the evolving nature of careers and the importance of embracing new opportunities.
7. Arguing about money
Since children may absorb long-lasting messages from these circumstances, it’s crucial to avoid arguing about money or other matters in front of them. Instead of one-on-one conflicts, which can cause youngsters to take sides and become distressed, talks should be led in a way that promotes involvement.
- Chris grew up witnessing his parents argue about money. When he went to college at 17 and moved away, he struggled with managing his finances and spending on unnecessary items. He now fears starting relationships, believing that money is the root cause of his sadness.
8. Prohibiting the child from using social networks
Social networks have become today’s equivalent of the yards and neighborhoods where we used to play as children. Kids can learn valuable skills through computer programs integrated with social media platforms. While parents should remind their kids about online safety rules, depriving children of this experience can be harsh.
- Aria’s mother was surprised to discover that her 10-year-old daughter had learned to create cool videos. Even more surprising was the realization that Aria had learned this skill from using TikTok. Now, creating short videos has become a family hobby for them.
9. Teaching the kid that they have the stuff at home
Many of us recall times when we asked our parents to buy us things, only to hear, “We already have that at home; we don’t need it.” Some parents repeatedly expose their children to such situations, unintentionally discouraging them from getting what they truly need. This pattern can significantly impact their financial habits as adults. On the other hand, constantly satisfying a child’s every need can also have negative effects.
- Jan’s mother often tells him they have things at home and they don’t buy them from the store. Jan has learned to overlook his needs, and with each subsequent request, he withdraws more, knowing not to ask. When Jan grows up and earns his income, money will go towards trivial things because that’s how he’s learned to live.
10. Preventing children from getting into conflicts
The ability to engage with others is perhaps one of the most crucial professional skills one can possess. It’s important not only to help children make friends but also to teach them how to engage in healthy arguments. People often hold differing opinions, and there are various ways to express emotions. The sooner children grasp this concept, the easier their interactions with others will be, including in professional settings.
- Michaela spent her life avoiding conflicts, preferring to agree with others rather than engage in disputes. She believed that someone always had to be the “smarter” one, but this approach proved more harmful than beneficial. One day, Michaela learned about active listening and decided to apply this approach in her professional life. She excelled at paying attention to others’ perspectives while also expressing her feelings when others attempted to take advantage of her. Initially, people found her communication style unconventional, but conflicts with coworkers became more constructive, leading to mutually beneficial resolutions.
11. Helping their child learn to save money
The world is always changing, and old ways of making or saving money might not work anymore. We can’t predict what skills will be valuable in the future economy. That’s why it’s important to teach kids to be flexible and ready for change, not just to save money.
- Emily’s grandfather saved money his whole life “just in case.” But when that “case” finally happened, a financial meltdown made all his investments lose value. Emily saw this while growing up, and now she’s worried the economy could collapse at any time. She believes the best investment is in her skills and knowledge.
12. Trying to build a strong character with the help of sports
While there’s a widespread belief that sports are beneficial for discipline and character development, excessive competitiveness in professional sports can be detrimental to a child’s physical and mental health. This competitiveness can be fueled by both fellow young athletes and coaches. Only a few individuals become champions, and coaches often prioritize these select few, neglecting the rest of the team. Coping with this unfair treatment at a young age can lead to low self-esteem and confusion about alternative life paths if a child must stop playing sports.
- Tom’s mother pursued rhythmic gymnastics as a child but had to abandon her Olympic dreams due to a leg injury. When Tom was three, his mother enrolled him in gymnastics classes, hoping he would excel. However, Tom struggled in this sport, leading him to lose interest in school, feel like a failure, and struggle to identify his strengths. Now, Tom is studying to become a child psychologist to help parents navigate the challenges of raising children without making the same mistakes.
Being protective of your children is natural, but it’s important to set boundaries. Respecting their privacy is crucial for a healthy parent-child relationship and their personal development. Violating their privacy can have serious negative effects, especially on their mental health.
During an Argument, My Wife Said I Wasn’t Our 15-Year-Old Son’s Biological Father — None of Us Saw It Coming
They say life can change in an instant. Mine changed over a forgotten trash bag and a silly argument. One minute I was Dave, husband of Julia and father of Evan… the next, I was just Dave, a man whose entire identity had crumbled when my wife accidentally revealed I wasn’t our son’s real father.
The evening started like any other Tuesday. I’d just gotten home from work, tie loosened and sleeves rolled up. The house smelled like garlic and basil… Julia was making her signature pasta. Our son Evan’s backpack was tossed by the door, soccer cleats leaving small clumps of dirt on the mat.
A woman cooking a meal in the kitchen | Source: Pexels
“Hey, bud,” I called out, hearing the familiar sound of video game blasters from the living room. “How was practice?”
Evan didn’t look away from the screen. At 15, he was the perfect blend of Julia and me… with dark hair that never quite behaved and eyes that crinkled at the corners when he laughed.
“Coach says I might start on Saturday,” he said, thumbs flying over the controller.
I ruffled his hair as I passed. “That’s great! I’ll be in the front row, embarrassing you with my cheering.”
“Dad, please don’t bring the air horn again.”
“No promises!” I laughed, heading to the kitchen.
A man smiling | Source: Pexels
Julia stood at the stove, stirring sauce. I wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, kissing her neck. Seventeen years of marriage and the sight of her still made my heart skip.
“Hey, you,” she said, but something in her voice was tight and controlled.
“Everything okay?”
“Just a long day. Can you take out the trash? It’s overflowing.”
I glanced at the bin. “Didn’t we agree Evan would handle trash duty this week? Part of that responsibility talk we had?”
Julia’s shoulders tensed. “Just do it, Dave. I’ve been asking him all day.”
A garbage bag near the door | Source: Unsplash
“He needs to learn—”
“For God’s sake!” She slammed the wooden spoon down. “Why does everything have to be a teaching moment? Just take out the damn trash!”
Evan appeared in the doorway, his controller forgotten. “Mom? Dad? What’s going on?”
“Your father thinks I should be the household trash enforcer on top of everything else I do around here.”
I held up my hands. “That’s not what I said. We agreed as a family—”
“Oh, now you care about family agreements? That’s rich coming from you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
An annoyed woman | Source: Pexels
She jabbed a finger at me. “You’re lecturing me about responsibility? You, who forgets to pay the electricity bill but remembers every detail of your fantasy football league?”
Evan shifted uncomfortably. “I’ll take out the trash. It’s not a big deal.”
“No,” Julia snapped, turning on him. “You had all day to do it. All day! I shouldn’t have to remind you FIFTY times. You’re just like him.”
I stepped between them. “Don’t talk to him like that.”
“So you’re gonna tell me how to talk to MY son?” Julia snapped.
“Mom, stop shouting at Dad for no reason.” Evan stepped forward. “Dad, it’s okay. I’ll do it.”
A disheartened teenage boy | Source: Pexels
Julia threw her hands up. “Oh, so you two are teaming up against me now? Trying to turn Evan against me?! Well, just so you know, Dave… you’re NOT even his real father!”
The kitchen went silent as the sauce on the stove bubbled and popped in the stillness.
My face drained of color. “What did you just say?”
Julia’s hands flew to her mouth, her eyes wide with horror at her own words. “I… honey… I didn’t mean for it to happen this way.”
A startled woman | Source: Pexels
“Is it true?”
She couldn’t meet my eyes. “Dave, I’m sorry.”
Evan backed out of the kitchen, shaking his head. “No, no… no. This can’t be. You’re lying. You have to be lying.”
Before either of us could move, he turned and bolted. The front door slammed, rattling the windows.
“Evan!” I ran after him.
***
Night had fallen by the time I found him on the bench at Rivers Meadow Park. His shoulders were hunched and his face was streaked with tears.
Silhouette of a sad person sitting on the bench | Source: Pexels
“Hey, buddy,” I said softly, approaching like he was a wounded animal that might bolt.
He didn’t look up. “Is it true?”
I sat on the bench beside him, the wood creaking under my weight. “I don’t know, buddy. I found out when you did.”
“How can you not know? She’s your wife.”
“Sometimes…” I struggled to find words that wouldn’t make things worse. “Sometimes adults make mistakes. Big ones.”
“So am I a mistake?” His eyes finally met mine, red-rimmed and piercing.
“No.” I reached for his hand. “You are the best thing that ever happened to me. That’s the one thing I’m sure of right now.”
A sad boy looking at someone | Source: Pexels
He pulled away, staring at his sneakers. “My whole life is a lie.”
“Not our life together. Not the camping trips or the science projects or the way you laugh at my terrible jokes. None of that was a lie, Evan.”
A tear slid down his cheek. “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
“You’re Evan. You’re the kid who saved that baby bird last summer even though everyone said it would die. You’re the friend who stood up to those bullies when they were picking on Max. You’re the son who made me breakfast in bed on my birthday and burned the toast but I ate it anyway because you tried so hard.”
A ghost of a smile flickered across his face. “It was pretty burned.”
“Like charcoal. But I didn’t care. Because you made it.”
Two slices of burned toast on a ceramic plate | Source: Pexels
As we walked home, his hand found mine for the first time in years since he’d decided he was too old for that. I held on tight, terrified of what waited for us at home.
“Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“No matter what she says… you’re my dad. Okay?”
I nodded, but a question lingered in my mind—who was Evan’s real father?
***
Julia sat at the kitchen table when we walked in, a half-empty glass of wine in front of her. The pasta had been dumped in the trash.
“Thank God!” she exclaimed. “I was about to call the police.”
“We’re fine,” I said flatly. “Physically, anyway.”
A frustrated man | Source: Pexels
Evan stood awkwardly, looking between us. “I’m going to my room.”
“Wait,” Julia pleaded. “We need to talk about this… as a family.”
“Are we even a family?” he shot back.
“Of course we are. Nothing changes that.”
“Everything changes that, Mom! Did you cheat on Dad? Is that what happened?”
“It’s complicated, honey.”
“No, it’s not. It’s a yes or no question.”
Julia’s face crumpled. “It was before we were married. Your dad and I were on a break.”
A depressed woman | Source: Pexels
I felt sick. “A break? We were engaged, Julia. We had a fight and I stayed with my brother for two weeks. That’s not a break.”
“I thought you weren’t coming back, Dave. I was hurt and confused and—”
“Who is it?” I demanded.
She looked up, her eyes full of tears. “Alex.”
The floor seemed to tilt beneath me. “ALEX? My best friend Alex? The guy who stood next to me at our wedding?”
She nodded miserably.
A bride and groom at their wedding ceremony | Source: Unsplash
“How long have you known?”
“I thought Evan was yours. I really did. But two years ago, Alex got drunk at that New Year’s party, and he said something about Evan’s smile and chin looking like his mother’s. And the timeline… it suddenly made sense. I then took a DNA test… and…”
“Two years?? You’ve known for two years and said NOTHING?”
“I was afraid! I didn’t want to lose you or destroy our family over something that happened so long ago.”
Evan slumped on the couch. “Does he know about me?”
“He… suspected. But we never talked about it sober.”
A disheartened boy sitting on the couch | Source: Pexels
I ran my hands through my hair, trying to process the betrayal. “I need some air.”
“Dad, don’t go,” Evan pleaded. “Please.”
I looked at my son… because no matter what, he was my son. I couldn’t leave him. Not now.
“I’ll stay. But I’ll be sleeping in the guest room.”
***
The next day, Julia dropped another bombshell. “I called Alex. He’s coming over.”
I nearly choked on my coffee. “Here? Today?”
“We need to sort this out. All of us.”
A frustrated man leaning on the wall | Source: Pexels
“I can’t believe you did that without asking me.”
“I thought—”
“That’s the problem, Julia. You keep making these massive decisions without me. First hiding this for years, now inviting him into our home?”
Evan set down his cereal spoon. “I want to meet him.”
Both Julia and I turned to him in surprise.
A shocked woman | Source: Pexels
“Are you sure, buddy?” I asked gently.
He nodded, his jaw set with determination. “If he’s… you know… I want to see him. To know.”
An hour later, Alex stood awkwardly in our living room. My best friend since college. The best man at my wedding. The godfather to my son… his son by blood but mine by heart.
“Dave,” he said, extending his hand.
I stared at it until he dropped it.
“You knew?” I asked.
He had the decency to look ashamed. “I suspected. But I wasn’t sure until Julia called this morning.”
A stressed man | Source: Pexels
Evan stepped forward, studying Alex’s face. The resemblance I’d never noticed before suddenly hit me—the shape of the jaw and the set of the eyes. God, they looked like copies of each other.
“Did you ever want to know me?” Evan asked bluntly.
Alex blinked, taken aback by the directness. “I… I convinced myself you were Dave’s. It was easier that way. For everyone.”
“Except now?” I said bitterly.
“Can we talk alone?” Alex asked me.
A guilty man | Source: Pexels
We stepped into the backyard, where he immediately started apologizing. “Dave, man, I never meant for any of this to happen. It was one night. We were wasted, you and Julia had broken up—”
“We weren’t broken up. We had a fight.”
“That’s not how she told it.”
I laughed. “And you didn’t think to check with me? Your best friend?”
“I was messed up back then. You remember what I was like after Melissa left me and moved back to Japan.”
A couple dealing with heartbreak | Source: Pexels
“Don’t you dare make excuses,” I growled. “You slept with my fiancée and then stood next to me at my wedding knowing what you’d done.”
“I’m sorry, man. I don’t know what else to say.”
“Get out of my house.”
“Dave, man, please…”
“Leave. Now.”
Cropped shot of a man pointing his finger at someone | Source: Pexels
The weeks that followed were a blur of pain, rage, and long conversations late into the night. Julia moved into the guest room and Evan withdrew into himself.
One night, I found him sitting on the front steps, staring at his phone.
“Whatcha looking at?” I asked, sitting beside him.
He hesitated, then showed me the screen. It was Alex’s social media profile.
“He coaches Little League. And he has a dog named Rusty.”
A pause, then: “I want to talk to him again. Would that be okay?”
A boy holding his phone | Source: Freepik
Every instinct in me wanted to say no and protect what was left of our family. But I looked at my son, his confusion, and his need for answers. And knew I couldn’t stand in his way.
“If that’s what you need, then yes. It’s okay.”
He leaned against my shoulder the way he used to when he was little. “Would you come with me?”
“Always, bud.”
***
Two days later, we met Alex at a quiet diner downtown. I sat at the counter, pretending to read the paper while they took a booth nearby. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I could see Evan’s serious face, his hands gesturing as he talked. Once or twice, they even laughed.
A person holding a newspaper | Source: Pexels
After about an hour, Evan slid out of the booth and came over to me.
“Ready to go?” I asked.
He nodded. “Yeah.”
Outside, as we walked to the car, he finally spoke. “He’s okay, I guess. But he’s not you.”
I glanced at him. “What do you mean?”
“He doesn’t know that I hate mushrooms or that I sleep with two pillows. He’s never helped me with my science homework or taught me how to change a tire.”
Evan kicked a stone on the wet sidewalk. “He may be my biological father, but you’re my dad… my REAL DAD. My hero.”
I stopped walking, overwhelmed by emotion.
Silhouette of two men walking on a wet road | Source: Pexels
“I know this whole thing sucks, Dad. But I want you to know that nothing’s changed for me. You’re still my dad. You’ll always be my dad. Always.”
My eyes welled up. I opened my arms without thinking, and Evan stepped right into them. I held him tight, breathing him in like I could somehow hold him together just by holding him close.
After a long minute, we pulled apart.
“Let’s go home, buddy.”
***
Summer faded into fall. Julia and I tried counseling, but some fractures can’t be repaired. By Halloween, we’d agreed to separate.
A couple taking off their wedding rings | Source: Pexels
“I never wanted to hurt you,” she said as she packed her things. “Either of you.”
“I know. But intentions don’t change outcomes.”
She paused, holding a framed photo of the three of us at the beach years ago. “What happens now?”
“Now we try to be better co-parents than we were spouses.”
“And us?”
I looked at the woman I’d loved for nearly two decades. “There is no us anymore, Julia. Not like before.”
Grayscale shot of a sad woman covering her face | Source: Pexels
She nodded, wiping away tears. “Evan wants to stay with you.”
“He told you that?”
“He didn’t have to. I know my son.” She set down the picture. “He needs stability right now, and that’s you. It’s always been you.”
After she left, Evan and I ordered pizza and ate it straight from the box while watching his favorite sci-fi show. Neither of us mentioned the empty spaces in the closets or the missing photos from the walls.
A person enjoying pizza, cola, and potato chips | Source: Pexels
“Are you going to be okay?” he asked during a commercial break.
I considered lying, saying everything was fine. But we’d had enough lies.
“Not right away, bud. But eventually. How about you?”
He shrugged. “Same, I guess. It’s weird… I’m sad but also kind of relieved. Like we can stop pretending now.”
“Yeah! I get that.”
Close-up shot of a delighted man smiling | Source: Pexels
He grabbed another slice of pizza. “For what it’s worth, I think you and Mom might be better apart. You haven’t seemed happy together in a long time.”
“When did you get so wise?”
“Must have gotten it from my dad,” he said with a small smile. “My dad… Dave!”
Life wasn’t what I’d planned, but plans are overrated anyway. What matters is love… not the romantic kind that fades or changes, but the steady kind that shows up every day. The kind that burns toast, plays video games, and struggles through algebra homework together.
The kind that has nothing to do with DNA and everything to do with choice.
Silhouette of two men at the beach with their dog | Source: Pexels
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